With Father’s Day coming ever closer, this can be a time to step back and reflect on what it means to be a father, and how we are getting on. Are we doing the right things for our children? Have we developed the kind of relationship that we want? How would they score us on being their dad? We all know that children can make the best, (and most honest) critics.
As a Social Worker, father of three children, and stepfather to another, I recognise the many personal and professional dilemmas that we face every day. One of the hardest things is trying to explain to my own children, why I seem to spend more of my time with other peoples’ children. I’m often left wondering; what are my children learning from me on a day-to-day basis? Do they see that stress or anxiety are manageable, that talking about our feelings is important, and that disagreements are recoverable even if we can’t resolve them immediately?
In this job, I have seen fathers pushed aside and ignored even when big decisions about their children are being made. However, I have also seen the impact on children of absent fathers, and those who are uninterested and refuse to take responsibility for their kids. The kind of father we become is in a large part dependant on our own experiences of being fathered. Whether we have grown up with unconditional love and care, or rejection, pain and possibly worse, will influence how we parent in subtle and not so subtle ways.
Sometimes, it is only through becoming a parent that we come face to face with our own childhood, and reconciling our childhood memories with the new information that being a father brings, can sometimes be an uncomfortable process. We may think that we had a fairly stable or unremarkable childhood, only for our children to push a button that triggers a realisation. It maybe a look your child gives you, or your reaction to something they did, that sends you hurtling back to your past with a bump.
If our experiences of being fathered have not been positive, we may strive to avoid replicating this with our own children. Trying to be a better dad is admirable, but it can be a hard or painful process. When I became a father for the first time, it was not part of my life plan. As I adjusted to the reality of being responsible for a whole other person, the practical aspects of parenting left no time to think about the kind of father I wanted to be. It was only when I had my other children that I really thought about this and considered the role my own father played in my life.
I knew there were things that my dad did that I wanted to avoid, and I am sure many of us have caught ourselves vowing not to turn out like our father, but the truth is, it is hard. It is equally hard for those who had brilliant, perhaps high-achieving fathers, who grow up in their shadow, never feeling good enough. We can spend the most important years in our children’s lives regretting that we are not the fathers we hoped we would be, but this would be a waste of these golden years. Our children do not know the ideals we set for ourselves, or the past experiences we are trying to escape, they just know that we are their fathers, and they love us for this.
So, while it can be helpful to think about why we parent the way we do, don’t become preoccupied with how it should be, focus on how it is, right now, in this moment. When I think about celebrating Father’s Day, I want it to be a time for us to enjoy our children, spend time with them before it’s gone. It is not about presents and cards, despite what the shops tells us, it’s about connecting and building relationships (although some new golf clubs wouldn’t go amiss!).
Happy Father’s Day!
