The sibling relationship is an integral part of any child’s life and sense of identity. These relationships can be an equal source of comfort and conflict and they can be impacted significantly by adverse early life experiences. I asked some of our Independent Social Worker’s about their experiences of sibling relationships and summarise just a few of those below:
“Myself and my siblings didn’t get on great as children. Boys don’t really like their sisters as I’ve noticed with my children! My brother was practicing wrestling moves on me when I was about 8, pushed me towards a bookcase and I split my lip open and had to go to hospital. We have a fab adult relationship and are actually going out for tea tonight!”
“Me and brother (18 months age gap), throughout our childhood were extremely close, always together like twins – I’m the youngest. We were dressed the same, everything. Sadly, I experienced a significant trauma at the age of 9. My brother blamed himself, because this was the only day he was not with me. He then spent his childhood, in a state of hyper vigilance. He thought it was his job to make sure that no-one ever hurt me again. Overly protective, often beating up other kids, older brothers putting a huge responsibility on him to keep me safe when out playing, following me around even into my first independent job. He ended up hating me, we stopped getting on, often fought, I hated him, so sad, but trauma has a huge impact even if only one sibling suffers, the others always suffer and it creates problem in relationships for the rest of their lives.”
“My brother broke my leg when I was 3. He pushed a piece of furniture on me shortly after it was delivered. I hated my brother as a teenager. He used to have really bad night terrors and I found it really scary (as he used to sleepwalk in my room and say there was a man downstairs with a knife). I also used to think my mum liked him more than me. However, as adults we are close, his wife is one of my best friends and I regularly look after his daughter. My two boys love playing with him as he goes all out whilst playing army or football. I also now think my mum likes me more than him.”
“I am one of four girls: 1 full sister, 1 stepsister and 1 half-sister. Me and my sisters are extremely close however, me and my full sister fought non-stop up to 25. My mum would bang our heads together when we were younger and we would physically fight non-stop. Even through our fighting days, if anyone came for the other one (including our parents) and even now, we are/were a force to be reckoned with! The sibling bond I think can be stronger than a parent and child bond, especially if emotional/physical neglect is involved.”“I knocked out my brother with one of those old sterling silver brushes and he had to go to A&E, having sustained a concussion. This was because he ripped my Take That posters off of my bedroom wall. I loved Mark Owen at the time, and I felt justified in my actions. I think I was 9/10 at the time…. And no, not one of my finest moments at all. I didn’t want a sibling from being 5 at the time and he came along, and I hated him. I then learnt to tolerate him. Having said this, I would never allow anyone else to bully him when we were kids. As adults we don’t really have a relationship, as quite frankly I don’t like him and still wish I was an only child. My best friend is more like a sibling to me.”
Assessing Siblings
These stories highlight the fluidity of the sibling relationship, the impact of trauma and the fact that relationships as children are not always reflected in adulthood. I have always considered that when we observe conflict in the Sibling Assessment, it should never be assumed that these relationships cannot be nurtured or repaired in the right circumstances and environments.
How do we assess therefore, when the relationship has become so irrevocably fractured, that siblings should be separated, potentially for the remainder of their childhoods?
Safeguarding Children
There will inevitably, be circumstances where the safety of a child is compromised by a sibling. Where conflict includes unmanageable violence or where there is the risk of sexual abuse from a sibling. The need to safeguard must be a priority however, alongside assessing the sibling relationship, our Independent Social Worker’s will consider the need for further assessment of a child’s behaviours and ways in which risks can be mitigated to allow the sibling relationship to be maintained safely through meaningful family time, and reunification achieved at a later date. For children who are placed in Local Authority foster placements or with a family member, these are options that need to be further explored.
Difficult Decisions
We recognise the significance of evidence based assessments, collaborative working practices and listening to the voices and experiences of these children in order to make decisions that will not compound their trauma, but look to ensuring that initial placement decisions are not simply maintained, but challenged, and sibling relationships are given the opportunity to be nurtured and repaired so that these children can overcome their experiences and develop resilience to cope with the demands of adulthood.
In circumstances where children are very young, Courts have the very difficult decision of whether the child’s need to secure an attachment to a primary care giver, through adoption, where the child would have the opportunity to recover from any early life trauma and develop a more positive narrative of family life, would be more in the child’s best interests, rather than to prolong the trauma by nurturing a difficult sibling relationship, that may never recover. Decisions such as these weigh heavily on the professionals involved with these children but equally, they should never be an easy decision to make.
If you would like to find out more about our Sibling Assessments click here.
